let's talk vanilla for a sec.
you know vanilla...
it's safe.
it's creamy.
it's something everyone likes, the flavor we are comfortable with.
we all know it's more exciting when you throw another component in the mix...like some cookie dough or sprinkles or mint brownies or mangos.
but what happens when you discover something different, like pineapple...and you wonder why in the world you have been holding out for vanilla for so long.
in essence, vanilla is comfortable.
so maybe this is a ridiculous analogy, but i like to eat. my life is vanilla. good, but predictable. i wake up, work, gym it up, eat din din, maybe play some mario kart with the fam (it's the latest craze) or watch a tv show with liv and chase, read scriptures, and go to bed.
rinse.
repeat.
groundhog day is my life.
good, but predictable.
need i say more?
for the first time in my life, i don't know what to do next. i always had an end goal.
graduate from college. check.
go on a mission. check.
get married...somewhere down the road.
but now...i have no clue.
zero.
zilch.
nada.
the goal was always physician's assistant school. now i am not as sure. i have these random thoughts in the day where i decide i want to do nursing or occupational therapy or sonography or dental hygiene school or medical school or fashion school or hair school. i just want to do everything, and therefore, at the end of the day, i am utterly confused about what i ultimately want to do, besides fall in love. (well in my own little perfect world, a gorgeous man will sweep me off my feet, and be so successful that my only responsibilities will include the children and baking treats for relief society).
sometimes i blame my indecisiveness on being an "awkward rm trying to adjust to real life." this could be a component.
(but fyi, i really don't think i am awkward or that i have had to adjust. it is just a different ball game now of trying to focus more on myself and who i want to be rather than introducing people to the gospel. i interact with people normally. i am back to my a game of flirting. i have a sense of humor. i love adele. this means war was hilarious...i'll get off my soapbox now....haha can you tell that i have become annoyed with the "have you adjusted to being home" question that is posed 143 x a day...ok maybe not that often but boy, it sure feels like it.)
or maybe my priorities are different.
who knows?
i don't.
i pray about these things all the time, but i am not getting a green light on anything...or maybe i can't recognize the answer.
sometimes i wish when i prayed, i would get a "DING DING DING, this is the correct answer!" when i dicuss my options with Heavenly Father.
i know this isn't how prayer works.
i have to go to Him with my plan, well thought out, and ask if it aligns with His will.
but still, no answer.
i came across this awesome quote from Elder Bednar, and it hit the spot for me today.
“Faith is a spiritual gift. We receive spiritual gifts in order to bless other people. If our desire is to receive a gift because we want it, we probably will not receive it. As we seek to serve others in accordance with the teachings of Jesus Christ, then we are blessed with spiritual gifts and increased capacity that make service possible. We may believe, but belief is passive. Faith always leads to action. First we must act in accordance with truth, then we are blessed to receive power. For example, missionaries are taught from the scriptures to open their mouth— act— and it will be filled. That sequence is critical. Many of us pray for the power so we can open our mouth. That doesn’t work too well."
bottom line is this: i need more faith.
i need to pick something and run with it. that way i will at least get a "this is good" feeling or a "maybe you should rethink this" drift.
now, i need to muster up the guts and do it.
goal #1: add some sprinkles to my vanilla life
goal #2: find my pineapple flavor
